no but seriously, she should have told us it was elementary school night

i don’t mean to overlook new year’s eve, but in a continued effort to prove that i, at least occasionally, have fun in indiana, i must share tonight’s events at weztern skateland.

this week is staff training. basically, it is university approved.... nay, sponsored... hazing. as part of our group hazing, i mean bonding, we went roller skating. at 6:45 we pull up to weztern skateland and see a line literally out the door... of children 12 and under. there is legitimate shrieking coming from within because justin bieber is playing. a parent loudly comments, "i thought this was for kids" ...a ten year old, "why are there so many old people here?"

we get it. we're out of place... but we did call and give them warning that we would be there. we realized they did actually know we were coming because they welcomed us over the loud speaker and invited us to participate in a "scream off" (think: "we've got spirit, yes we do. we've got spirit, how about you?") against the two local elementary schools...hosting a fundraiser night. seriously weztern skateland? you forgot to mention that it was elementary school night? we lost the scream off... we no longer have the ability to reach the decibel level achievable by those who have not yet hit puberty.

now, i know basically nothing about roller skating (i struggle to walk and chew gum simultaneously so i'm totally shocked this post doesn't end with me at the emergency room.) but if i was going to open a roller rink-- eaztern skateland, perhaps?-- there are a couple of rules i would instate.

1. no holding hands/forming chains... particularly if you are young, an inexperienced skater, or under 4 feet tall. no but seriously, it's human dominoes.

2. no one over 6 feet tall allowed on skates... it's just too much.

3. keep ageism to a minimum but no creepers.

4. if you push over other kids, particularly little ones, i will light you on fire.

i only fell twice tonight--- and that is because someone broke three out of my four rules. (this would never have happened at eaztern skateland.) the first time i was caught between a man, who, sans skates must have been a minimum of 6'6'... so at this point he's at least 8 feet tall and a chain of four wobbly six year old girls (who were focused on screaming the ludacris rap from justin bieber's song "baby"). i am powerless against Goliath, so i unsuccessfully try skate around the elementary school musical. luckily, i only take one of the six year olds down with me. i'll never forget the way that little blonde on roller blades looked at me. the look on her face was sheer disappointment-- i had ruined beiber.

for my next trick, i see this ten year old non-real slim shady, push a little kid down. i find this so morally reprehensible that i have a physical, bodily reaction... mid "hey kid, you can't just push....." i am on the floor.

no but seriously, she should have told us it was elementary school night.