unhappily ever after.

this past friday night i went to see a band, nay a spectacle, called "here come the mummies." i had a chance encounter with the musical mummies this summer during a festival and the absurdity of it all continues to attract me to the group. the anonymity of the band members reminds me of secret society membership from days of yore. my google searches repeatedly give me no useful results, but i remain vigilant in my search for the mummies' identities.

...i digress.

i talk to strangers-- particularly in settings like dive bars and waffle houses. no one was surprised when i struck up a conversation with a member of the opening act. amidst pinky promises to buy the album (...we'll see) and flurries of compliments, he introduces me to another member of the band, jason.

jason (clearly stoned) touches my face and says, "you're beautiful."

his bandmate turns to me with an excited smile on his face, "you guys could be exes!"

"wait, what?"

"you and jason could be future ex-husband and wife! isn't that great?"

...."i have to go."

jason's belief that i am attractive could lead us into a relationship that would be so meaningful that we would make it all the way to an unhappy marriage and a divorce. sigh, love is so beautiful.

hey batter, batter, batter....

...so, i'm writing this in response to brain's blogpost about childhood sportsmanship and athleticism (and in both our cases, lack thereof).

my mom recently told me that during my tenure as a tee-ball player, albeit brief, i made an extremely memorable play while in right field... i screamed "I FOUND A QUARTER!" this caused quite a scene: all teammates from both teams to left their positions, dropped their bats and gloves and ran into outfield and to see my discovery. my mom said it was if they had never seen a quarter before... like i might as well have screamed, "I FOUND A WOOLLY MAMMOTH!" or "I FOUND A CIVIL WAR MUSKET!" or "I FOUND AN EXTREMELY UNIQUE BLADE GRASS!"

automatically from this story, it is clear that i am extremely unathletic... i should have been watching the ball. i took the path less traveled: kicking the dirt up, twirling in circles, and, more than likely, rhythmically reciting my multiplication tables. to the dismay of any future athletic aspirations, this behavior was extremely rewarded: while others came to gawk and stare, that quarter went home with me.

the lesson we've learned here is that children's sports DO holistically develop our youth and teach life lessons. for instance, i learned that if i yell something, people come running and i can cause a scene. while my sports career was short lived, the repetition of this behavior has caused endless stories of outrageous fun.

...hon, will you grab my favorite baseball cap?

spotted: man wearing baseball cap that says "people = shit."

he is carrying a small child.

let me ask you sir, are you part of the solution or part of the problem?

good news: i am macgyver.

...so, per last post, i am clumsy (unable to walk and chew gum)... i'm basically a mess (recently, i bought a white fleece and my parents said "white? really? did you think that was a good idea?") and i'm a disaster in the kitchen. and i can't read directions. etc. etc.

but here's what i can do (apparently) open a locked car with a wire hanger... in the snow.

i guess you probably had to be there but i can promise this: it. was. awesome.

it also was a great evidence in my continued effort to prove that i am a gryffindor because it was magic... and gryffindors are known for resourcefulness.

no but seriously, she should have told us it was elementary school night

i don’t mean to overlook new year’s eve, but in a continued effort to prove that i, at least occasionally, have fun in indiana, i must share tonight’s events at weztern skateland.

this week is staff training. basically, it is university approved.... nay, sponsored... hazing. as part of our group hazing, i mean bonding, we went roller skating. at 6:45 we pull up to weztern skateland and see a line literally out the door... of children 12 and under. there is legitimate shrieking coming from within because justin bieber is playing. a parent loudly comments, "i thought this was for kids" ...a ten year old, "why are there so many old people here?"

we get it. we're out of place... but we did call and give them warning that we would be there. we realized they did actually know we were coming because they welcomed us over the loud speaker and invited us to participate in a "scream off" (think: "we've got spirit, yes we do. we've got spirit, how about you?") against the two local elementary schools...hosting a fundraiser night. seriously weztern skateland? you forgot to mention that it was elementary school night? we lost the scream off... we no longer have the ability to reach the decibel level achievable by those who have not yet hit puberty.

now, i know basically nothing about roller skating (i struggle to walk and chew gum simultaneously so i'm totally shocked this post doesn't end with me at the emergency room.) but if i was going to open a roller rink-- eaztern skateland, perhaps?-- there are a couple of rules i would instate.

1. no holding hands/forming chains... particularly if you are young, an inexperienced skater, or under 4 feet tall. no but seriously, it's human dominoes.

2. no one over 6 feet tall allowed on skates... it's just too much.

3. keep ageism to a minimum but no creepers.

4. if you push over other kids, particularly little ones, i will light you on fire.

i only fell twice tonight--- and that is because someone broke three out of my four rules. (this would never have happened at eaztern skateland.) the first time i was caught between a man, who, sans skates must have been a minimum of 6'6'... so at this point he's at least 8 feet tall and a chain of four wobbly six year old girls (who were focused on screaming the ludacris rap from justin bieber's song "baby"). i am powerless against Goliath, so i unsuccessfully try skate around the elementary school musical. luckily, i only take one of the six year olds down with me. i'll never forget the way that little blonde on roller blades looked at me. the look on her face was sheer disappointment-- i had ruined beiber.

for my next trick, i see this ten year old non-real slim shady, push a little kid down. i find this so morally reprehensible that i have a physical, bodily reaction... mid "hey kid, you can't just push....." i am on the floor.

no but seriously, she should have told us it was elementary school night.

...the salt of the earth

the "something funny did happen" story referenced in the first entry went something like this...

i signed up to be in a nativity-like play at the church i am currently attending with susan. the sign up sheet said they were looking for 400 volunteers and that the event would last from 5pm until 9pm. a 400 person, 4 hour nativity!

but as you read further on the sign up sheet, you find that it's actually a drive-thru chronicle of 12 scenes in Jesus' life: nativity, last supper, crucifixion, etc. you go out in 30 minute shifts-- because it's 18 degrees outside-- for a grand total of 2 hours in the bitter cold and this past weekend during our production, we actually had 4 inches of snow on the ground.

the real humor in this story starts when susan and i go get our costumes...
the organizers are thrilled to see susan. ("OH MY GOSH! WHEN I SAW YOU SIGN UP I THOUGHT 'SHE WILL MAKE A PERFECT ANGEL!'").....susan is playing the critical angel at the tomb, telling mary and mary, that Jesus has risen from the dead. susan's costume: DELUXE angel costume. satin. tassels. 4-foot white feather wings. halo.
i come in... ("oh hey.") i will be an attendee at the sermon on the mount. my costume: literally, a brown bed sheet with a hole cut in the middle for my head.

susan, in an effort to make me feel better, "well, it's not that bad. it reminds me of coffee."

so, last saturday, deluxe angel and coffeemate start our thirty minute rotations. it was nearly too much when susan, in search of directions to her scene was told, "just take a left immediately after the crucifixion."

as bummed as i was about being at the sermon the mount (versus like, an angel or Mary or an angel..) i found out that the sermon, overall, was pretty legit. Jesus highlighted the blessings of following Him and the importance of Christians "being the salt of the earth."

around, the third rotation, i have lost feeling in all my limbs and am hustling back into the church when i see one of the three wise men WIPE OUT on the ice. plastic crown flying across the sky in the moonlight. the church-play standard in frankincense (gold spray painted shoebox) sliding across the snow. apparently, there was not enough salt on the earth in the parking lot.

this one time, at taco bell

so, one of the worst things about grad school is responsibility... particularly in my job, where i have to, you know, set an example and enforce rules and not really have too terribly much fun. this is important to note in setting the stage for this story.

tonight, i attended a reunion for an old internship. one of the students hugged me and said, "you know, i can't get out of my head?"

"what's that?"

"that i night i saw you at taco bell."

time out.

recently, i decided it was time for a night of fun and jessica and i set out for a local concert venue. a few drinks in and we decide we're starving. out the door to the taco bell across the street. midway through taco #1, enter responsibility stage right. with every intention of playing it cool, we greet said student... and in the same breath, jessica says, "we can't lie to you. we've been drinking." coverage blown.

time in.

i can't help but laugh and maybe this is only funny to me and jessica but.... of every experience i've had with this student, the thing he can't stop thinking about is that one time, at taco bell.